Recently, I had a conversation with my therapist about the impact that community has on overall well-being. Unsurprisingly, we ascertained that most humans intuitively understand just how much a vibrant village contributes to their vitality and longevity. However, having people around us doesn’t necessarily mean that we have the villages that we’re longing for. Human connection does not thrive from the mere presence of another human body. I believe that vulnerability, openness, understanding and compassion are all prerequisites for long-lasting and impactful relationships. And the art of listening and being able to be fully engaged with those who are around you is paramount to ensure that one’s connections are continuously nurtured in the way that a healthy village requires.
Distraction is everywhere nowadays, especially in the large, bustling cities that dominate modern life. It becomes hard for individuals to connect with their own inner-voices, let alone someone else’s outer-voice. We are bogged down by stimuli that impede our ability to process our emotions, are often “notified” about mostly irrelevant matters on our cellphones and can easily enter a vortex of endless self-comparison on social media with the click of a button. In such dire circumstances, practicing the art of listening to ourselves and then ultimately to others becomes much more challenging.
Learning to listen and to listen well is something that comes naturally to some and for others needs to be cultivated with compassion and practice. Listening is an intentional process that I believe can become more natural and seamless over time with dedication and attention. Additionally, listening has a very close cousin that is also key to fostering healthy and positive relationships: Remembering. Remembering is the tangible manifestation of listening, because it indicates that a sense of deep connection was fostered and maintained throughout a conversation. Following up with a friend about a core issue that was discussed over a lovely lunch, dinner, coffee, etc. demonstrates your level of care, love and attunement. All factors which are building blocks of community care and connection.
So how can you begin your journey to becoming a better listener and rememberer, not only for yourself, but others?
Journaling: Journaling is an intentional practice that allows you to connect with your inner-most thoughts and feelings and is a great way to process your emotions. Your journal should be a free and safe space where you write whatever you want whenever you’d like to. Establishing trust with your own voice and listening to your emotions will strengthen your ability to connect and be deeply present with others when you are engaging with them!
Do Not Disturb: When you’re eating with a friend, try to make eye contact and show them that you’re really listening. Try to ensure your arms are uncrossed to indicate a level of openness to your mate and turn your phone on Do Not Disturb so that notifications do not interrupt the flow of conversation. Relish your time with this friend as you would an amazing piece of cake and prioritize spending time with people who make relishing that cake very easy.
Take Notes, Mental or Otherwise: After you’re done meeting with your friend, try to make a mental note of something meaningful or challenging going on in their lives, like a new relationship or hobby or a particularly nerve-wracking work meeting coming up. List these events in your Notes or Calendar app to have a reminder of the upcoming event and follow up with your friend as it starts to approach. Nine times out of ten, they will deeply appreciate the level of attention to their life that you’ve offered them and will be eager to return to the favor when you’re in a similar position. Of course, nothing is ever perfectly 50/50, but prioritize the people in your life who are happy to reciprocate more often-than-not so that your energy is being devoted to those that are able to build healthy and positive relationships with you.
When listening is a solely physiological process, scientists refer to it as hearing, when we make sure to include mindfulness in the mix then that’s called listening. The art of listening well is one of the most enthralling components of peak human existence. Getting lost in an incredible conversation that flows endlessly for hours is an example of why healthy human connection is one of the most valuable treasures in existence. For some, the art of the conversation is innately valued and fostered based on their personalities, inclinations and upbringings. For others, it is a discipline that can be cultivated via an inside-out process. The sense of satisfaction that comes from deep attunement is very difficult to quantify in any other currency except love and I promise you that if you start listening to yourself and others well, the self-love and love for others you experience will start to increase in proportion.